Regret

Sometimes it hits me, this wave of regret. Regret for things done, things not done. I know the person I want to be. I know how it would look to everyone else. I just can't seem to keep the dial there very long. I keep traveling the same tired, worn paths of yesterday. I don't think I give people too many good things to look at. I'm too busy trying to repair the damage I cause when I drink or even when I don't drink. Being sober doesn't change me. I mean not yet anyway. I have never actually been sober for longer than 18 months and the last time was about 10 months, back in 2008. I was preganat during those times. I know I'm an alcoholic and once I take a drink, all bets are off, game on. This last time could've been pretty bad. Like the time blacking out at Disneyland wasn't! Ahh, the alcoholic mind! I went to New York, got my feelings hurt and without even cognitively thinking about it, I got hammered. I blacked out pretty quick and decided to storm out and take New York, alone, on a Friday night. I must have called 10 people and said God know's what... I don't know how I made it back to the hotel and home. I caused so much distress to other people. How selfish. I am so remorseful after. Doesn't cause me to blink as I put it down, but it's certainly not worth it or fair to anyone else.. So why do it?? Psychologically speaking, I have a tendency to sabotage my life. Personally, I think I'm just fucked up. Pretty simple. There's a great analogy in the Big Book of AA. Something to the effect of ,say someone has a proclivity for jaywalking and everyone time they do it, they get hurt. Each time worse and worse. Common Sense says "stop or you will die" but it really isn't that simple for the alcoholic. Some people would say grow up, be an adult, but that may seem like the problem, it's not. That's not me just not taking responsibility it's just not a will power thing. I do believe I have a choice to take that first drink, which is always like the 10th drink but why can't I seem to choose to NOT take it?

Who Knew

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. Not certifiable, but definitely bonkers. Life is ok right now. I'm having this random gallbladder issue and feel like crap, but emotionally I'm in a better place than I've been in a while. Maybe it's the pain meds?! My daughter, Avery, had her second horseback riding "lesson" today. I put lesson in quotes because all she is doing is walking around on an adorable pony, named Petey.  I loved riding. Loved, loved, loved it. If I could do anything, riding and teaching kids to ride would be it. I miss it so much. Like in a visceral way. I was really hesitant to start Avery down this path. I thought I'd be jealous and have issues with the fact that she could ride and have someone supporting her and I couldn't. I am afraid that she will love it and be great and the finances won't be able to support it. Riding and showing is ridiculously expensive. I'm afraid that she will have to quit like I did and lose that piece of herself that makes her whole. I know, I know, she's not even 3 years old and I've already ruined her life as a result of a weekly activity which she'll probably get over in short order! Yeah right. The weird thing is I was walking with her today and after she "jumped" some poles and clearly wanted to go jump actual jumps, I felt joy. I haven't felt this kind of joy since I rode. I was not jealous or angry, but full of happiness for her. It was a very odd moment for me. I wasn't sure what to do with that. I wasn't envious or sad, just full. I had been so worried about all the negative that was absolutely going to happen that it never occured to me that I'd enjoy her riding. Hence, I go back to the fact that I'm definitely crazy. A nut job for sure : )

My Star

I don't know when I first fell in love with the horses. I know I have been around them since I was very young. When I am around them, something happens to me. It's transcendent. I have ridden many horses. I have been lucky to own a few, but I can honestly say they have all been amazing in some way. There are three that have touched my life far deeper than anything I could've imagined. Amanda, Helios and Star. Amanda was my first real love. She was my best friend and partner. She came in to my life a few times before we were made a team. She was the most awesome horse I ever had the priviledge to ride and show. It has been 15 years since I've seen her and over 19 since I last rode her. I miss her like it was yesterday. Helios made me feel like I could do anything. I didn't own him but from the moment I leased him, he had me. I spent my first Mother's Day with him consoling me. He left Novemeber 23, 2006 and I still think about him everyday. Star. Star was never mine either. He was the best racehorse my boyfriend has ever owned. I watched him go from claimer to superstar practically overnight. He was talented but his heart won him his races. It was amazing to be a part of his life. He died May 15, 2005 in Singapore, he broke his leg and they put him down on the track. I was 6 months pregnant with my son, Ben. I was devastated. I had Ben September 8, 2005. When I was pushing, after an incredibly long labor ( 26 hours), I pictured Star's Sunshine Million win. He won by a nose.  

      “Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

Bittersweet

    I hosted a baby shower yesterday. That implies I had much more to do with it than I did. My house was the site and I bought the cake. The baby mama to be's Mom and 2 best friends were the hosts. They did an amazing job. It was beautiful. Normally, I'd have been freaking out, but for whatever reason, I wasn't. There were about 35 people in attendance. Way too many people for my social skillls. I'm the girl that hates talking to anyone for the fear I'm going to say or do something stupid. This from someone that when drinking, wants to be the life of the party and it would seem I not only embarass myself, but the boyfriend as well. I am happy to write I did not do that yesterday. I didn't drink and I did have to talk to people but I think it went ok. I haven't heard anything different yet. Ahh, the drinking, it always comes back to that. I wanted to drink. I am realizing I always would like to when I'm feeling uncomfortable or really any feeling for that matter. I can't speak for other drinkers but I don't like to feel or hear the tapes in my head. I want the mute button. That's been alcohol for me as long as I can remember. I was never a daily drinker. I was not physically dependent on the drink to start my day or anything like that. Not saying that makes me better than anyone else. All it means is I hadn't gotten there yet. Yet. I heard a lot about the "yets" I would experience if I didn't quit drinking. I hadn't yet lost my family. I hadn't yet gotten a dui. I hadn't yet killed anyone behind the wheel. I hadn't yet gave up everything for the drink. That scared me for a while. It wasn't enough to keep me sober. The sense of "ease and comfort" that comes with the first drink became too alluring. I started thinking, I could have just two drinks and be OK. Funny, I skipped right over just one. The two was never really two either. I was always able to justify the third one. I was drinking periodically and I had myself convinced maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic. Then something happened. We got some awesome news. My boyfriend's neice and husband were having a baby! That's frickin awesome. I was overjoyed and at the same time devastated. I wanted to have another child. What does one have to do with the other? My boyfriend offered our crib to them and it was then the I knew he wasn't going to change his mind about having anymore with me. You see, deep down I hoped that maybe he'd change his mind at some point, but this solidified it for me.
  The next day I got drunk. Purposely drunk. Then I tried to lie. I even tried to manipulate people into helping me get out of trouble with the boyfriend. I was so willing to give up my kids again because I had to escape the pain in my heart.

Testing

  Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." Bullshit. I think on the contrary, ignorance is bliss. I know far too much about myself. I have the over examined life and there have been a few times when it didn't seem worth living. Maybe that's the conundrum? Why am I blogging? I don't really know. I am just drawn to getting my thoughts down, somewhere. A public forum seems like a good place!
  Let me start by sharing some pertinent details about my life. I'm a stay at home mother of two. Kids are almost 3 and 5 and a half. Eldest is a boy, youngest a girl. I love them and I'd give up my life for theirs in a heartbeat. I'm also an alcoholic. I hate saying that. I have really poor feelings about myself and that doesn't help. Somehow the mere label is worse than hating myself and feeling worthless and broken. I can rattle off my character defects, which are many, but alcoholic, that just fucking sucks. I've known I was one since my second aa meeting. The first one was in 2003 and I was absolutely convinced I was in the wrong place and by no means was I an alcoholic! Fast forward to late 2009 and I was at my second aa meeting and I knew I was in the right place. I reiterate, knowledge changes apparently nothing for me. I did not drink during either of my pregnacies and went so far as to stay sober for 18 months. That's the longest period of sobriety I've had since I got drunk at 17. I have always drank alcoholically. I was the girl that got hammered trying to keep up with the boys and then I got hammered to stop from feeling the shame and regrets over the decisions I'd made in my life. I drank to fit in, I drank to hide, I drank even when I didn't really want to. I can honestly say I don't even like the taste of alcohol. The effect is what I loved. The moment my mind just stopped the constant scruitiny of self. My relationship with alcohol is bittersweet because I loved that feeling, that release so much that I was willing to do anything to get it. I wanted it so badly that I almost lost my children over it. I took them to Disneyland, April 30, 2010 and I blacked out. It's amazing that nothing tragic happened. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of it. I came to and was being sent to a detox. I got the 7 day "vacation" from the kids I'd been needing. In reality though, I was devastated. I have never hated myself as much as I did the moment I learned what I had done. I wanted to die, but I thought that would just add insult to injury for the kids. I prayed to God if he'd fix it, I'd get help. I'd stop drinking. I knew I was heading down a dangerous path in the last few years, but I would've sworn I'd never endanger my children. I didn't realize what I was capable of. I thought I was just hurting myself. I wish I could say that was my last drunk but you can probably guess, it wasn't. And so my story begins...