I hosted a baby shower yesterday. That implies I had much more to do with it than I did. My house was the site and I bought the cake. The baby mama to be's Mom and 2 best friends were the hosts. They did an amazing job. It was beautiful. Normally, I'd have been freaking out, but for whatever reason, I wasn't. There were about 35 people in attendance. Way too many people for my social skillls. I'm the girl that hates talking to anyone for the fear I'm going to say or do something stupid. This from someone that when drinking, wants to be the life of the party and it would seem I not only embarass myself, but the boyfriend as well. I am happy to write I did not do that yesterday. I didn't drink and I did have to talk to people but I think it went ok. I haven't heard anything different yet. Ahh, the drinking, it always comes back to that. I wanted to drink. I am realizing I always would like to when I'm feeling uncomfortable or really any feeling for that matter. I can't speak for other drinkers but I don't like to feel or hear the tapes in my head. I want the mute button. That's been alcohol for me as long as I can remember. I was never a daily drinker. I was not physically dependent on the drink to start my day or anything like that. Not saying that makes me better than anyone else. All it means is I hadn't gotten there yet. Yet. I heard a lot about the "yets" I would experience if I didn't quit drinking. I hadn't yet lost my family. I hadn't yet gotten a dui. I hadn't yet killed anyone behind the wheel. I hadn't yet gave up everything for the drink. That scared me for a while. It wasn't enough to keep me sober. The sense of "ease and comfort" that comes with the first drink became too alluring. I started thinking, I could have just two drinks and be OK. Funny, I skipped right over just one. The two was never really two either. I was always able to justify the third one. I was drinking periodically and I had myself convinced maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic. Then something happened. We got some awesome news. My boyfriend's neice and husband were having a baby! That's frickin awesome. I was overjoyed and at the same time devastated. I wanted to have another child. What does one have to do with the other? My boyfriend offered our crib to them and it was then the I knew he wasn't going to change his mind about having anymore with me. You see, deep down I hoped that maybe he'd change his mind at some point, but this solidified it for me.
The next day I got drunk. Purposely drunk. Then I tried to lie. I even tried to manipulate people into helping me get out of trouble with the boyfriend. I was so willing to give up my kids again because I had to escape the pain in my heart.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Testing
Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." Bullshit. I think on the contrary, ignorance is bliss. I know far too much about myself. I have the over examined life and there have been a few times when it didn't seem worth living. Maybe that's the conundrum? Why am I blogging? I don't really know. I am just drawn to getting my thoughts down, somewhere. A public forum seems like a good place!
Let me start by sharing some pertinent details about my life. I'm a stay at home mother of two. Kids are almost 3 and 5 and a half. Eldest is a boy, youngest a girl. I love them and I'd give up my life for theirs in a heartbeat. I'm also an alcoholic. I hate saying that. I have really poor feelings about myself and that doesn't help. Somehow the mere label is worse than hating myself and feeling worthless and broken. I can rattle off my character defects, which are many, but alcoholic, that just fucking sucks. I've known I was one since my second aa meeting. The first one was in 2003 and I was absolutely convinced I was in the wrong place and by no means was I an alcoholic! Fast forward to late 2009 and I was at my second aa meeting and I knew I was in the right place. I reiterate, knowledge changes apparently nothing for me. I did not drink during either of my pregnacies and went so far as to stay sober for 18 months. That's the longest period of sobriety I've had since I got drunk at 17. I have always drank alcoholically. I was the girl that got hammered trying to keep up with the boys and then I got hammered to stop from feeling the shame and regrets over the decisions I'd made in my life. I drank to fit in, I drank to hide, I drank even when I didn't really want to. I can honestly say I don't even like the taste of alcohol. The effect is what I loved. The moment my mind just stopped the constant scruitiny of self. My relationship with alcohol is bittersweet because I loved that feeling, that release so much that I was willing to do anything to get it. I wanted it so badly that I almost lost my children over it. I took them to Disneyland, April 30, 2010 and I blacked out. It's amazing that nothing tragic happened. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of it. I came to and was being sent to a detox. I got the 7 day "vacation" from the kids I'd been needing. In reality though, I was devastated. I have never hated myself as much as I did the moment I learned what I had done. I wanted to die, but I thought that would just add insult to injury for the kids. I prayed to God if he'd fix it, I'd get help. I'd stop drinking. I knew I was heading down a dangerous path in the last few years, but I would've sworn I'd never endanger my children. I didn't realize what I was capable of. I thought I was just hurting myself. I wish I could say that was my last drunk but you can probably guess, it wasn't. And so my story begins...
Let me start by sharing some pertinent details about my life. I'm a stay at home mother of two. Kids are almost 3 and 5 and a half. Eldest is a boy, youngest a girl. I love them and I'd give up my life for theirs in a heartbeat. I'm also an alcoholic. I hate saying that. I have really poor feelings about myself and that doesn't help. Somehow the mere label is worse than hating myself and feeling worthless and broken. I can rattle off my character defects, which are many, but alcoholic, that just fucking sucks. I've known I was one since my second aa meeting. The first one was in 2003 and I was absolutely convinced I was in the wrong place and by no means was I an alcoholic! Fast forward to late 2009 and I was at my second aa meeting and I knew I was in the right place. I reiterate, knowledge changes apparently nothing for me. I did not drink during either of my pregnacies and went so far as to stay sober for 18 months. That's the longest period of sobriety I've had since I got drunk at 17. I have always drank alcoholically. I was the girl that got hammered trying to keep up with the boys and then I got hammered to stop from feeling the shame and regrets over the decisions I'd made in my life. I drank to fit in, I drank to hide, I drank even when I didn't really want to. I can honestly say I don't even like the taste of alcohol. The effect is what I loved. The moment my mind just stopped the constant scruitiny of self. My relationship with alcohol is bittersweet because I loved that feeling, that release so much that I was willing to do anything to get it. I wanted it so badly that I almost lost my children over it. I took them to Disneyland, April 30, 2010 and I blacked out. It's amazing that nothing tragic happened. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of it. I came to and was being sent to a detox. I got the 7 day "vacation" from the kids I'd been needing. In reality though, I was devastated. I have never hated myself as much as I did the moment I learned what I had done. I wanted to die, but I thought that would just add insult to injury for the kids. I prayed to God if he'd fix it, I'd get help. I'd stop drinking. I knew I was heading down a dangerous path in the last few years, but I would've sworn I'd never endanger my children. I didn't realize what I was capable of. I thought I was just hurting myself. I wish I could say that was my last drunk but you can probably guess, it wasn't. And so my story begins...
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