Bittersweet

    I hosted a baby shower yesterday. That implies I had much more to do with it than I did. My house was the site and I bought the cake. The baby mama to be's Mom and 2 best friends were the hosts. They did an amazing job. It was beautiful. Normally, I'd have been freaking out, but for whatever reason, I wasn't. There were about 35 people in attendance. Way too many people for my social skillls. I'm the girl that hates talking to anyone for the fear I'm going to say or do something stupid. This from someone that when drinking, wants to be the life of the party and it would seem I not only embarass myself, but the boyfriend as well. I am happy to write I did not do that yesterday. I didn't drink and I did have to talk to people but I think it went ok. I haven't heard anything different yet. Ahh, the drinking, it always comes back to that. I wanted to drink. I am realizing I always would like to when I'm feeling uncomfortable or really any feeling for that matter. I can't speak for other drinkers but I don't like to feel or hear the tapes in my head. I want the mute button. That's been alcohol for me as long as I can remember. I was never a daily drinker. I was not physically dependent on the drink to start my day or anything like that. Not saying that makes me better than anyone else. All it means is I hadn't gotten there yet. Yet. I heard a lot about the "yets" I would experience if I didn't quit drinking. I hadn't yet lost my family. I hadn't yet gotten a dui. I hadn't yet killed anyone behind the wheel. I hadn't yet gave up everything for the drink. That scared me for a while. It wasn't enough to keep me sober. The sense of "ease and comfort" that comes with the first drink became too alluring. I started thinking, I could have just two drinks and be OK. Funny, I skipped right over just one. The two was never really two either. I was always able to justify the third one. I was drinking periodically and I had myself convinced maybe I wasn't really an alcoholic. Then something happened. We got some awesome news. My boyfriend's neice and husband were having a baby! That's frickin awesome. I was overjoyed and at the same time devastated. I wanted to have another child. What does one have to do with the other? My boyfriend offered our crib to them and it was then the I knew he wasn't going to change his mind about having anymore with me. You see, deep down I hoped that maybe he'd change his mind at some point, but this solidified it for me.
  The next day I got drunk. Purposely drunk. Then I tried to lie. I even tried to manipulate people into helping me get out of trouble with the boyfriend. I was so willing to give up my kids again because I had to escape the pain in my heart.