Testing

  Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." Bullshit. I think on the contrary, ignorance is bliss. I know far too much about myself. I have the over examined life and there have been a few times when it didn't seem worth living. Maybe that's the conundrum? Why am I blogging? I don't really know. I am just drawn to getting my thoughts down, somewhere. A public forum seems like a good place!
  Let me start by sharing some pertinent details about my life. I'm a stay at home mother of two. Kids are almost 3 and 5 and a half. Eldest is a boy, youngest a girl. I love them and I'd give up my life for theirs in a heartbeat. I'm also an alcoholic. I hate saying that. I have really poor feelings about myself and that doesn't help. Somehow the mere label is worse than hating myself and feeling worthless and broken. I can rattle off my character defects, which are many, but alcoholic, that just fucking sucks. I've known I was one since my second aa meeting. The first one was in 2003 and I was absolutely convinced I was in the wrong place and by no means was I an alcoholic! Fast forward to late 2009 and I was at my second aa meeting and I knew I was in the right place. I reiterate, knowledge changes apparently nothing for me. I did not drink during either of my pregnacies and went so far as to stay sober for 18 months. That's the longest period of sobriety I've had since I got drunk at 17. I have always drank alcoholically. I was the girl that got hammered trying to keep up with the boys and then I got hammered to stop from feeling the shame and regrets over the decisions I'd made in my life. I drank to fit in, I drank to hide, I drank even when I didn't really want to. I can honestly say I don't even like the taste of alcohol. The effect is what I loved. The moment my mind just stopped the constant scruitiny of self. My relationship with alcohol is bittersweet because I loved that feeling, that release so much that I was willing to do anything to get it. I wanted it so badly that I almost lost my children over it. I took them to Disneyland, April 30, 2010 and I blacked out. It's amazing that nothing tragic happened. Unfortunately, I don't remember any of it. I came to and was being sent to a detox. I got the 7 day "vacation" from the kids I'd been needing. In reality though, I was devastated. I have never hated myself as much as I did the moment I learned what I had done. I wanted to die, but I thought that would just add insult to injury for the kids. I prayed to God if he'd fix it, I'd get help. I'd stop drinking. I knew I was heading down a dangerous path in the last few years, but I would've sworn I'd never endanger my children. I didn't realize what I was capable of. I thought I was just hurting myself. I wish I could say that was my last drunk but you can probably guess, it wasn't. And so my story begins...