Friday, July 1, 2011

Regret

Sometimes it hits me, this wave of regret. Regret for things done, things not done. I know the person I want to be. I know how it would look to everyone else. I just can't seem to keep the dial there very long. I keep traveling the same tired, worn paths of yesterday. I don't think I give people too many good things to look at. I'm too busy trying to repair the damage I cause when I drink or even when I don't drink. Being sober doesn't change me. I mean not yet anyway. I have never actually been sober for longer than 18 months and the last time was about 10 months, back in 2008. I was preganat during those times. I know I'm an alcoholic and once I take a drink, all bets are off, game on. This last time could've been pretty bad. Like the time blacking out at Disneyland wasn't! Ahh, the alcoholic mind! I went to New York, got my feelings hurt and without even cognitively thinking about it, I got hammered. I blacked out pretty quick and decided to storm out and take New York, alone, on a Friday night. I must have called 10 people and said God know's what... I don't know how I made it back to the hotel and home. I caused so much distress to other people. How selfish. I am so remorseful after. Doesn't cause me to blink as I put it down, but it's certainly not worth it or fair to anyone else.. So why do it?? Psychologically speaking, I have a tendency to sabotage my life. Personally, I think I'm just fucked up. Pretty simple. There's a great analogy in the Big Book of AA. Something to the effect of ,say someone has a proclivity for jaywalking and everyone time they do it, they get hurt. Each time worse and worse. Common Sense says "stop or you will die" but it really isn't that simple for the alcoholic. Some people would say grow up, be an adult, but that may seem like the problem, it's not. That's not me just not taking responsibility it's just not a will power thing. I do believe I have a choice to take that first drink, which is always like the 10th drink but why can't I seem to choose to NOT take it?

No comments:

Post a Comment